A Love So Deep

I sit here with Laura just 2 weeks old here in my lap.

Her eyes blink soft, breath comes in and out, and her skin so smooth. Her hand rests upon her cheek and her eyes peer briefly at me before closing. A smile starts to form. This is beauty at it’s finest.

Dishes are in the sink, laundry is piling up, dogs need to be let out, fruit flies are everywhere, plants need water. But I can’t move. I am anchored to this recliner and my eyes are fixed on her face. Tears well up… I can’t believe she’s mine.

Her lips part, breath continues to come in and out. Corners keep pressing back and forth into a soft smile. She sighs and releases. If only she knew what this does to me.

Words can’t even begin to describe this experience of having our first child. It’s been the best two weeks of my entire life. Motherhood has filled me with so much joy. I never knew how special this would feel.

Alongside this exploding joy, the last couple of weeks have also felt deeply intense with all the big feelings, deep conversations with husband brought by big change, and refining of my faith. When I look into this little girl’s eyes, I feel so much love for her that it hurts. It hurts enough to stir up the parts of me that demand for perfection and control. I want to know that she will be ok and untouched by the brokenness and uncertainty of this world.

One night during the first week Laura was with us, Joey mentioned something he saw on the news that was devastating and took the life of an innocent woman. I panicked harder than I ever have over a news story. I stayed up late into the night thinking through how a sovereign God who loves us would allow such suffering into the world. I thought through the typical apologetic responses, but there remained an ache that wouldn’t go away. It only grew stronger as my grasps for control fought harder.

In my love for her, I long to protect her and keep her from all evil. But I know I can’t. And that night I felt the discouragement of this reality and the strong temptations of worry. It is true that with motherhood you feel so many different things at once.

Shortly after Laura came home with us my parents came down for a few days to meet her and give Joey and I a break. My dad and I also had the chance to go for a walk at a state forest close by. I shared with him this deep, painful love I had for her and how it was harder than ever to face the realities of a broken world.

In his wisdom, my dad shared that I have become a co-creator with God. By bringing Laura into the world and raising her up I now have the privilege of of participating in the work of creating, nurturing, and sustaining life. And when she is older, I will discipline, direct, and teach. Just as God does so for us. And as with all loves, there is always a risk involved. This is normal, and God too, takes risks in creating and loving us.

I experienced a sense of relief in my dad’s words. A reminder that my role as her mother is not to shield or protect her from all of life’s hardships. But to lean into and embody my role as a co-creator, following after the example of my Heavenly Father. There is massive responsibility here, but also deep relief. A pressure released in the letting go.

This led me to consider how as parents, when we look at our child and well up with this deep, painful love, this is but a small reflection of what God must feel when He looks at us. I don’t understand everything about this world or why it hurts so much, but I am reminded that we are never outside of His love for us. Never.

As I cradle my sweet little girl, moving my fingers over her soft newborn skin and twirl the small pieces of hair behind her head, what I feel for this daughter is what He feels for me. This gift that He’s given is waking me up to His tender, fierce love for us all.

And so, in the face of all future’s uncertainties, I will sit here and hold her with remembrance that “Perfect love casts out fear.” His love has done just this. As I continue to grow in motherhood and cherish my little girl, I will continue to clutch this Perfect love that knows no end.