Encouragement for New Mothers

Today is my 31st birthday, and I am celebrating, most of all, the gift of motherhood.

I never knew how rich and fulfilling motherhood could make me feel. My little girl is almost 6 months old and so full of life and joy. She smiles big with her eyes, and her mouth fills deep with laughter. When my eyes meet her’s, we share a connection so deep, and a love so strong it hurts. This truly is one of life’s greatest gifts.

Now, it hasn’t always felt this blissful. I’m grounded in a sense of steadiness that just recently emerged within the last month. The first several weeks were a wild ride, and filled with so many deep, messy, and intense emotions.

Finally, I feel like I can breathe again. Sometimes, you don’t realize how crazy you felt until after the crazy has passed. Maybe this newfound stability comes from more sleep, a more consistent schedule, or a greater confidence in knowing her cues. It’s probably also due to my body regulating and finding more of an equilibrium following labor and delivery.

Whatever the cause, I’m thankful to be in this place. And as I reflect on the last several months, words of encouragement for new mothers come to mind. While I recognize I’m still pretty new at this mom thing and don’t have all the answers, the transition into motherhood is very fresh for me. I’m sharing here words of encouragement for new mothers who are also entering this new season of life.

My friend and new mom, I am so excited for you. I also ache with you, and grieve the hard parts with you. Here are some words written from my soul to yours:

You are so brave

No matter what has happened or what is happening as you bring new life into the world, know that you are incredibly strong and brave.

Whether you go the standard hospital route, epidural and all, or choose to deliver at home in a bathtub, having a baby is hard and scary. You have ventured into the unknown and that’s so brave of you.

Don’t ever forget this.

Your baby is here!

The details of the birth story, including what went wrong, or didn’t go, right, is not important. Your baby is here and that is that is worth celebrating!

Immediately after I had my daughter, I remember rehashing her birth story and questioning whether or not the unexpected challenges could’ve been avoided if I had done something different. Should I have taken my birthing classes more seriously? Researched the process more? Asked more questions? Planned ahead a bit better? Done more stretching or kegels? The “what-if’s” can go on and on if you let them.

I was tempted to view delivery as a “performance” and something that I needed to perfect. When it took unexpected turns, I was prone to blaming myself.

Here’s the truth: no matter how much you plan or prepare, the birth process will never go exactly as planned. Do you best to prepare yourself well, but don’t try to perfect. What’s most important about the whole ordeal is having your baby. If you have your baby, whatever route you end up taking, count it as a success. On the day you go into the hospital, and in the hours that follow, embody a posture of acceptance, and be open to whatever may come. In my opinion, this will bring much more peace and joy with labor and delivery than any birthing class or book will give you.

Allow yourself to feel all the feelings

The first two weeks following my daughter’s birth were some of the most intense days of my life. I constantly had tears of joy followed by tears of overwhelm. During the first couple of weeks after we returned from the hospital I experienced strong impulses to rehome our dogs, constantly lashed out at my husband, and experienced a massive existential crises. Then I felt bad because I wasn’t feeling all the happy things I wanted to in every moment.

Thankfully, all of this got better with time. But I had to learn to let go of emotional perfectionism, or the expectation to feel the “perfect” feeling in every situation. Instead, I chose to focus on presence, thankfulness, and grace. These values grounded me, and freed me from all the “shoulds” when it came to all my early feelings.

My friend and new mom, recognize there is no right or wrong feeling to have. Remember too, that your feelings do not define you, or make you a good or bad mom.

Let the feelings come and go, and try not to give them too much power or attention. It’s totally OK to not feel OK. Just make sure you’re caring for yourself well by reaching out for help and not putting too many expectations on yourself.

Be kind to your body and show it grace.

Your body has just done a remarkable thing. Truly, having a baby is a woman’s superpower. Remember, too, that is took months for you to create this baby, and it will take months for your body to recover. There seems to be an expectation among our Western culture for women to bounce back, lose the baby weight, and excel at work within 2-3 months after giving birth. This is unreal.

Be patient and kind to your body, especially in the first few weeks. Hold your body with compassion and grace, and try not to jump back in and do all the things so quickly. You can rest here.

For the first few months following delivery, your hormones will continue to do wild things and affect almost everything. If you ever wonder to yourself, “is this hormonal related?” know it probably is.

Eventually things will settle down and you will start to feel a bit more normal again. I promise.

Not everything is a puzzle to be solved, or a problem to be fixed.

Early on, when my little girl was only a few weeks old and not sleeping well, I got caught up in trying to fix this. For a short period, I became obsessed about sleep and tried to control this realm as best I could.

I read through all the chapters on sleep in parenting books and frantically sifted through articles on Google. Instead of bringing me clarity and peace, all of this extra (and often conflicting) information rattled my brain and made it hard to make any decision at all. Not matter which route I took, I would be risking something, or doing something “wrong” according to some “expert” out there.  

Instead of leaning into my own parenting intuition, I desperately tried to figure out the” right” answer. But in reality, there’s hardly ever a right answer. There’s just answers that may work better than others.

When you go hunting for the perfect solution you end up never feeling like you’re enough. Never feeling like what you’re doing is enough.

This is exhausting, and it pulls you away from simply being present with your child. You live in your head, either ruminating about the past, and what you did wrong, or trying to plan ahead and control the future.

There are certainly times when you need to research and plan in order to make informed decisions. I am a big supporter of advocating for you and your needs. But sometimes, the best route may be to simply live in the tension of not knowing, and not trying to fix. To simply be, right where you are, and in whatever place you’re in. 

What a tricky balance this can be. Have some grace for yourself when you don’t do this right either.

Carve your path and own your journey

Voices and opinions are everywhere. If you haven’t already, you will be tempted to compare yourself and your decisions to those of others. Or, you may be pulled in different directions because of the constant input from family and friends.

You know your child better than anyone else. And what you decide to do with your baby is your choice. People pleasing has no place here. Others will have their thoughts and opinions, and just because someone parents differently than you doesn’t mean you’re wrong in your approach.

In my encouragement for new mothers, be open to wisdom and feedback from others while standing firm in what you know is the best. Respect your decisions, learn from them, and don’t be afraid to carve your own path in this beautiful yet messy, parenting journey.

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Are you a mother? What advice or encouragement for new mothers would you give?