The battle of the mind

It’s 8:30pm on a weeknight. Here’s a run-down of what I wrote in my journal, with a few edits so you can actually make sense of my jabbering 🙂

Today I had a lot on my mind. It was hard to pull myself out of my work day and transition into home life. I had good and hard sessions with my clients… It’s been harder to let go of things today.

We had one of those dinners where Joey (my husband) had to redirect me at the table because I was zoning out hard. He’s good about noticing when my mind drifts before I even catch it myself.

“Babe, you’re doing it again… come back to us…”

“Oh gosh, so sorry! You’re right… I’m here. I promise. Can you repeat the question?”

I refocus, over and over and over again. Back to my dinner. Back to my daughter in front of me. Back to the conversation my husband is trying to have with me.

My thoughts continually drift towards planning for something in the future, trying to “fix” what feels unresolved, or rehashing a conversation from the past. I want to slow down but my mind is going too fast.

The doing mode

In mindfulness teaching we call this the “doing” mode.

It’s the mode we so often find ourselves in without even doing it on purpose. It’s not only the “doing” with our bodies, but also the mental place of fixing, planning, achieving, accomplishing, and problem-solving.

The doing is our auto-pilot mode. We can spend all day focused on what’s already happened or what’s coming up next without paying attention to what’s happening right now. In the doing mode we’re lost in our heads and disconnected from our bodies.

I’ve been in the doing mode a lot lately and I can feel it — can you?

Shifting to the being

The being mode, on the other hand is all about releasing the urge to do (plan, fix, problem solve, achieve) and just be with our experiences just as they are. It’s a sinking into our moment to moment experiences and letting our bodily sensations fill our awareness.

It’s accepting what is and what is not, and resting in a posture of acceptance.

It’s letting the thoughts run as they will but choosing not to follow them.

On this night I noticed myself craving this inner peace even if just for a moment. And I found it in my daughter’s bath. Here’s me back in my journal:

Joy in the present moment

An hour ago as I started to run Laura’s bath, I decided to use this experience as an opportunity to sink into the moment. My husband is out with friends and I’m doing the nightly bedtime rituals.

I plug the drain, toss out the random washcloths, and move the shower curtain out of the bath thinking to myself, “great, mildew again on the shower curtain…need to add this to the list.”

I refocus… I turn the water on. Its cold and I wait for it to turn warm.

Water splashes all around and starts to fill the tub. I pour lavender bath soap into the bath and watch the bubbles multiply.

My daughter walks up beside me and smiles hard. She loves a good bath. 🙂

I undress her and pick her up and put her in. She’s really happy now. I decide to stay as present as I possibly can, just for this bath.

Thoughts start to swarm in begging for my attention. I notice their presence and let them go, continuing to focus on her and this bath. Simple right?

Each moment feels like a fight to stay in the here and now. Again, thoughts of the day start to crowd in.

I could engage with them and let them have their way, while also being responsive to her. But tonight, I don’t want that. I don’t just want to be there with her, I want to share this moment with her.

I want to be really here. Not thinking about work conversations or all the dishes in the sink or the clothes that need folding. I don’t just want to be a body next to her. I want to be fully engaged as deeply as I can.

I dig into this moment and take in everything.

The sounds of her splashing about and the laughter it brings her… her big blue eyes squinting with each smile… the smell of the soap… warmth of the water…wet bath rug I’m kneeling on that gets wetter and wetter with each splash…dogs whining because they want food… bubbles now on my nose…

I gently refocus my attention over and over again when it starts to wander.

As I do this more and more, something very beautiful happens. I start to feel the joy in simply being. The joy in the present moment. Staying present becomes easier and easier as my mind learns I’m not budging on this.

I begin to truly share in this delightful experience with my daughter. My body feels at ease and centered.

Oh, how often we have to fight for peace…but when we do, we find it. My peace was here in the splashing and giggles and wet floor. I wanted it to last forever.

The best part in all of this is that the invitation towards being is always here. We just have to accept the invitation and move towards it. We may have to work for it, but it’s always there on the other side of the struggle.

Friend, what’s something delightful you can truly be with today?