This article was originally posted through Psychology Today. Find this post and others at my blog, The Flourishing Family

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What is Mindfulness?

Mindfulness is one of those things that can be hard to put words to. We reference it in wellness circles and associate it with calming themes like meditation, yoga, and peaceful beaches with balancing stones. But is this all it’s about?

Despite popular opinion, mindfulness is not just a series of stress-management techniques, nor is it a direct path towards peace and tranquility. Mindfulness is a way of being. It’s coming face to face with our various experiences, in whatever shape they take, which can honestly feel messy at times.

I’ve learned this in my own study and practice of mindfulness, and more recently in my work of creating and facilitating a mindfulness group for parents of children with autism.

Supporting Parents of Children with Autism

The parents in these groups face unique challenges and responsibilities in their parenting journeys. Many of them feel isolated, alone, and exhausted with limited direction and support. In general, parents of children with autism face higher levels of stress and poorer health than parents of children with typically developing children (Padden & James, 2017). Mindfulness, as research has revealed, offers these parents a different way forward. Instead of trying to win the war against stress itself, mindfulness encourages one to accept the stress itself and all the emotions it brings. When the internal battle with stress lessons, parents have more energy, focus, and clarity to change the things they can change.

A study in the Journal Autism looked at the relationships between child problem behavior, parent mental health problems, psychological acceptance, and parent empowerment. Psychological acceptance, researchers found, had the greatest impact on parent mental health, after controlling for other variables.

Why is this? For certain parents of children with autism, it may be impossible to change or avoid their experiences, especially if their children’s behaviors are less controllable and support is not available. To this, the authors comment, “In these situations, parents need a different coping strategy, one that allows them to acknowledge their current experience without trying to change it or avoid it.” Mindfulness teaches us how to do just this.

Even if you’re not a parent of a child with autism, or even a parent, mindfulness can offer a unique way forward in places of suffering. It may not take away the stress of life, but it can empower us to move through it, without running from or avoiding it. Ultimately, this keeps us in the lead, allowing us to respond to life’s hurdles instead of mindlessly reacting to them.

What does mindfulness look like? How do we sort through what it is and isn’t? Here are a few tips to get started.

Start where you are, right now.

In my mindfulness groups, I often hear parents say they don’t have the time to devote to mindfulness. A 30-minute sitting meditation would be lovely, but when exactly?

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The wonderful thing about mindfulness is that we don’t necessarily have to make more time for it. We can start right where we are, even while doing other things. Right now, consider your body’s position and the different sensations (sight, sound, touch, smell, taste) coming in. Notice your breathing without trying to change in any way. Focusing on our senses helps pull us out of ruminating cycles and into the present moment.

For example, as you drive your car, notice your grasp on the steering wheel or the way the air conditioning feels on your face. When washing dishes, observe the water’s temperature, the sound of the faucet, and the smell of the soap. When walking, observe the way your body moves, the landscape around you, and the sound of your feet on the pavement. It’s easy to go into autopilot and lose ourselves in our thoughts. Pulling our attention into our present-moment experiences can help.

Become aware of your internal world

In addition to your bodily sensations, what feelings, thoughts, or emotions tend to arise? How are you experiencing them in your body? Mindfulness encourages us to expand our awareness towards our internal experiences, however pleasant or unpleasant they may be.

Here, we are invited to be with our thoughts and feelings, just as they are, without trying to change them. This helps reinforce the fact that our thoughts are just thoughts. We can notice our thinking without being swept up by all the voices.

Consider labeling your thoughts and feelings as they arise, while maintaining a non-judgmental stance: “Noticing feelings of shame here…” or, “I’m noticing I’m having the thought that I’m a failure.” We can’t address or move past painful experiences or thoughts unless we first recognize them for what they are.

Practice acceptance

When we experience pain, often our first instinct is to find a way out. We don’t want to feel all of the negative emotions, so we plan our escape routes and think up solutions to our problems. Instinctively, just as we would pull our hands from a hot stove, we try to put upsetting thoughts or feelings out of our minds. This response is termed “experiential avoidance,” which refers to our efforts to escape painful thoughts, memories, or emotions, even when doing so is costly or unnecessary.

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In contrast, mindfulness encourages us to embrace our experiences without defense. This involves letting go of the struggle with our thoughts, beliefs, or opinions about our situation, and allowing things to be just as they are. When we choose to accept something about ourselves or our lives, this does not mean we have to like it or even want it. It also doesn’t mean we can’t work to change things. But until we practice accepting our situation the way it is, we’ll remain stuck in the tension between what we hoped for, and what our reality really is. As Eckhart Tolle notes, “Whatever the present moment contains, accept it as if you had chosen it. Always work with it, not against it.”

It’s common for parents of children with autism to struggle in accepting their child’s diagnosis. Or, to accept that their reality is different from what they envisioned their parenting experiences to look like. “When I was pregnant, I had dreams of what I wanted my child’s life to look like, and this isn’t what I imagined,” I heard one parent say. But fighting with this tension, she acknowledged, only made things harder. “After I learned how to accept this, I felt freer in my parenting and more eager to help my child be the best person she could be,” I remember her saying.

Cultivate Compassion

Finally, in places of suffering, stress, or pain, recognize that you’re not alone. As Dr. Kristen Neff and other self-compassion researchers note, we all experience suffering in this life. Autism parent or not, life’s challenges will come. There’s no need to expect perfection from ourselves, or to beat ourselves up when we don’t get it “right.”

A key theme in mindfulness is holding our experiences with a nonjudgmental, compassionate approach. This involves letting go of all judgments, and speaking to ourselves with kindness as we would to a close friend, or child who is struggling.