The gift of new life

My baby girl, Laura, is now 7 weeks. The last several weeks have been a whirlwind of emotions and new experiences. It’s been a season of both joyful tears and tears of overwhelm. My heart has been so full and so fragile. Big feelings come fast and hard, and I haven’t had the buffer of good sleep and adequate time to myself to help balance.

Knowing that this season would be messy in the most beautiful kind of way, I have committed to holding fast to three things: Presence, Thankfulness, and Grace.

I am choosing to let go of pursuits of perfection and unrealistic expectations, and instead focus on these three themes. They ground me when times get hard, and cultivate steady joy.

Wherever you are in your parenting or life journey, I invite you to cling to these themes alongside me.

Presence

Late into the night, and early in the morning, my “wild animals” come out and stampede throughout my mind. Thoughts of fear, insecurity, panic, and overwhelm come rushing in. When I fight or resist them, they fight back with a vengeance. They attach, judge, and criticize. They pull me into the future, and rehash my past.

These wild animals, they tell me I’m not good enough, that I could do things better. They remind me of what the parenting books say and how I’m not measuring up. They urge me to research and problem solve and try to fix the things that feel wrong. These wild animals, they breed chaos and madness. And if I don’t stop myself I get swept away in them and become their prey.

Meanwhile, I’m trying to savor my time with Laura. Trying to take in every moment and feel happiness. And when I’m not happy and consumed with my wild animals, or just flat out tired, I feel frustrated, convinced that I’m missing out on what I “should” feel. Sneaky animals they are…

What is it that brings me back? Back to the joy of simply being with her? It’s presence. It’s staying in the here and now, continually directing my attention back to the very moment I’m in. For this is the only moment I truly have.

I let go of “emotional perfectionism,” accepting whatever emotion decides to linger. I do my best to watch the wild animals as they come rushing in, and even attempt to show compassion towards them. After all, these wild animals are really just another version of me trying to protect.

Staying in the present moment is not something I’ve mastered. It’s a constant choice, and often a fight. But it’s a fight worth having, and it’s way better than living trapped inside my own head with these crazy beasts.

Thankfulness

Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.

1 Thessalonians 5:16-17

I am learning that true joy comes through a surrendered will and thankful heart. It is found in the giving thanks, in everything, no matter the circumstances. Even when labor and delivery doesn’t go as planned and complicated medical bills show up. Even when my little girl is crying hard in my face and I don’t know how to help. Even when I can’t sleep and my husband is sound asleep beside me. Even when my hormones get the best of me and I can’t think straight. Even when I’m second guessing everything about my parenting abilities and fearful about the future.

As a new mom, I am learning the art of expressing thanks in everything, and for everything. Giving thanks isn’t always the first thing that pops into my mind when I’m upset, but when I do, I notice negativity lifting. I notice my thoughts coming back to the present, and joy seeping back in.

As Ann Voskamp writes in 1,000 Gifts, the practice of “eucharisteo,” or giving thanks in everything, invites us to experience and receive God’s gracious gifts. She writes:

“The practice of giving thanks…eucharisteo…this is the way we practice the presence of God, stay present to His presence, and it is always a practice of the eyes. We don’t have to change what we see. Only the way we see.”

Throughout my days with her, I’m practicing naming the many graces that show up.

I name the hot cup of coffee I get to enjoy when I first wake up while she’s still sleeping.

I name the moments of her on my chest as she sighs and breathes hard.

I name the beauty of her eyelashes and in the smile that shines.

I name the sun outside and the changing leaves as Fall emerges.

I name my husband’s voice as he sings softly to her at night.

I name the gift of a hot shower and fuzzy socks.

I name the gift of a strong and resilient body capable of creating her body in mine, and continuing to nourish her through my own.

I name the incredible support of my friends, family, and my church.

I name the gift of nourishing and bringing about new life.

I name the gift of a loving father who never leaves us.

Grace

In no other area of my life have I been so desperate for grace as I have now. I desperately need to receive it, and I so desperately need to give it away.

I have been hit hard lately with the reality that I am not perfect. And that I will keep messing up as a wife, a friend, and as a mom. Already, there are so many things I would do differently. So many choices I wish I had made instead of the ones that I did. So many conversations with my husband that I shouldn’t have had because I was sleep deprived and insensitive. So many moments when I didn’t practice presence or thankfulness and responded in anger, resentment, or fear. So many moments when I didn’t trust and lean into the guidance and wisdom the Lord offer, and turned instead to Google.

I fail to live up to the parent I want to be, and untouched by grace, I spiral into deep shame holes. This leads to isolation, rumination, darkness, and depression. I have been here before, and it’s a hard place to be.

The only way out of this cycle of shame is grace. That’s sweet beautiful unending grace freely given to us by our Lord, the Father of all mercies and God of compassion. Only through this grace am I able to counter shame and extend grace towards myself and others. Only by this grace can I forgive, love, parent and live with joy.

And my hope is for Laura to experience this type of grace one day. And that this grace will point her to the love of the Father. I hope and pray she will first see and recognize glimpses of this grace in me.