What I Learned In 2023

The truth sets you free

This year I started working with a coach who has encouraged me to look honestly into my story. I’ve learned to tell the truth about where I came from and all the patterns and experiences that have shaped me. When we look directly at our present struggles from their sources, we see more clearly, and can better extend grace and compassion where there is shame. 

A mama’s love is so big

You never know how much you are loved until you hold love for your own child. Who knew you could love someone so much! Who knew you and I could be loved so much!

As I nurse my little girl at night and let her fall asleep in my arms, I think about what it feels like to be loved this big. How once upon a time I, too, was held like this. This is a part of my story I have come to cherish. 

My ministry has turned inward

As I write this, I’m in the middle of a field at a local state park. It’s the last week of December and I am following the university’s schedule and off work for Christmas break.

I was so looking forward to taking some time to myself while keeping Laura in “adventure school” (our word for her awesome daycare) for part of the week. 

But then, sickness.

 I’ve been home with Laura for the last couple of days tending to her and her needs. My husband was so kind to give me a couple hours to myself this afternoon. So here I am, voice typing all of this into google docs.  

I’m so thankful to be a mom. It is truly one of the best things that has happened to me. But at the same time, it has revealed a place in my heart that feels grief, loneliness, and disappointment. In the season of my life, I can’t do all the things I once did. I’ve had to take a step back from friendships, work, church life, and other roles that were once so satisfying and held my identity. The priorities on my plate have shifted, and I can only put so much on my plate at once. Knowing what to keep, what to let go of, and what to pursue has been tricky to navigate. 

My good friend, Lacey, and I were just texting about this. She reminds me to look at the heaping piles of laundry, never ending dishes, the wiping of little hands, cleaning up toys, meal prepping, and all the other things as my new ministry. My work looks different these days. To reference Ephesians 4, I am “equipping [my little] saint” for the world. What an honor this is.

Being a working mom is not bad 

In the same breath, I have also learned that working outside of the home is not a bad thing. In the early months of going back to work at USC, I felt so much mom guilt, even with my part-time schedule. I thought I was displeasing God, and that staying home full-time with my daughter was the “more holy” thing to do. I knew this was not true, but the feelings still lingered. 

I recently chatted with a deacon from our church about these feelings. She shared how many of these messages have originated from lies within the church. To pursue this kind of “perfect mothering” is nothing more than idolatry. Whether we stay home full-time or work, is not the real issue. It’s our hearts behind the choices that really matter.

Our deacon recommended I read “The Myth of the Perfect Mother: Rethinking the Spirituality of Women” which I plan to read in 2024. More on this topic to come 🙂 

Life without Facebook is so much simpler

I de-activated my facebook account this year and I haven’t missed it. Special moments are that much sweeter because the thought of snapping the right picture to post isn’t taking up more mental energy than it should. I just get to enjoy the experience.

I’m not anti-facebook, and I may even get back on one day. But for now, it’s nice to be off.

Gluten won’t kill me 

Ever since I was diagnosed with hashimoto’s thyroiditis in 2019, I’ve been avoiding gluten like it’s the plague. But this year, for Laura’s 1st birthday, I decided to do something daring, and EAT CAKE. 

It was amazing. And so, so good. Yes, I felt bad afterwards, but it was overshadowed by the sweet feeling of freedom. 

What was intended to crush you and tear you apart, God uses to set you apart. 

Five years ago, my life was incredibly dark and hopeless. Those of you who know me know this part of my story. 

In this season, I prayed hard that the Lord would show himself to me. That He would relieve the suffering in my mind and body. My prayers at the time felt like they were being met with silence. I only felt continued suffering and pain.

But now, I see so clearly how he used those dark nights to set me apart. I am who I am today  because of the strength gained through the struggle. I would not be the same wife, parent, clinician, friend, daughter if it were not for that time of refinement. For this, I am so grateful and in still in awe.