working mom guilt

It was a Monday morning.

My 18 month old daughter cried extra hard when I said goodbye to her as she left with my husband for daycare. Feelings of guilt started rushing in as I watched them leave the driveway.

Not long after, I saw a group text with some of my stay-at-home mom friends, initiating a get together at the zoo with their little ones. Laura’s daycare teacher had just informed me she had been fussy for much of the morning. Ugh.

And there I was, at my computer, sending emails and scoring assessments and all I could think about was my little girl.

I feel the mom guilt rise in my stomach and I start to hear those nagging, shameful words: “You’re a bad mom for not being with her… what are you thinking in entrusting her to someone else’s care?! What if.….”

And then all the thoughts come flooding in… “you’re failing as a mom… you’re doing it all wrong… she needs you and you’re not there…“

My heart aches. I feel tears welling up in my eyes. Then the downpour…

I pray: “Father, please hold my little girl today. Hold her heart, surround her with my love, and even more importantly, your big love. Let her know I’m with her, even if I’m not right there…”

I refocus back to my emails and just try to get through this messy day.

6 months later…

Now, 6 months later, I still feel “working mom guilt” sometimes, but I’ve learned to re-evaluate these feelings and talk back to the voices. I’ve learned a new story when it comes to working and being a mom, one that corrects and redefines the stories and messages I’ve picked up on over the years.

Here’s what I’ve learned:

Working mom guilt is actually working mom grief.

That’s because “guilt” implies that we’re doing something wrong as working moms. But that’s not the case. When I say goodbye to my little girl in the morning and start to feel all the feelings, I no longer call it guilt but grief.

I am grieving the loss of the time I could be spending with her and this feels really sad sometimes. Some days I feel it more than others. But this doesn’t mean I need to feel guilty.

Calling it what it is helps me to name what I’m actually feeling without assigning unnecessary blame on myself.

Let’s start calling this feeling what it actually is: its working mom grief, not guilt.

Working mom guilt grief reminds me of my limits.

Regardless of whether we work or not, most, if not all of us moms will feel the “not enoughness” in our motherhood journey at some point. We will come face to face with our imperfection and recognize that we can’t get everything right. We will let our kids down. We won’t be able to meet every single need.

Here’s the best part of it all: We don’t have to be perfect, nor should we try to.

I can be a “good enough” parent and let go of all the striving. When I accept this finate version of myself, I have more freedom, peace, and ease, and I’m a better parent to my daughter. I’m more present and engaged, and not so stuck on what I’m doing or not doing right.

It’s not my role to get everything “perfect” within motherhood, but to let go of this false sense of control and lean into the One who holds us all.

The grass always seems greener on the other side.

The decision about working has nagged me since I became a mom. I’ve always thought the “other side” would be better than where I was. When I was on maternity leave, there were days I craved work. I missed adult interactions. On certain days, I remember envying my husband when he left for work. Staying home all days with a little one can be hard sometimes…

When I returned to work and started working more hours, I started craving more time home with my daughter. I felt the grief when I left her. I started entertaining thoughts of leaving my job all together.

In the same week (and even in the same day) I would both love working and hate it at the same time. Both were true at once.

No matter where were, the other side will always appear more appealing some days.

There is good in the hard.

Working and being a mom is hard at times. And these feelings need to be validated. Maybe, like that Monday I needed good cry.

It’s ok to be sad. It’s ok to miss your baby. It’s ok to cry about it too.

But, let me tell you, friend, hard doesn’t mean wrong. Sometimes, the best things in life are some of the hardest things we do.

Don’t be afraid of the hard, but remind yourself of the good in the hard, and focus on that.

What is the good?

For me, working for my family and providing for their needs in a financial way is good.

Bearing some of the weight so my husband isn’t working night and day and never has any time for his family is good.

Channeling the gifts and talents the Lord has given me, in work that benefits my community and his kingdom is good.

Putting Laura in a place with new toys, tasty food, new friends, and kind teachers is good.

Where is the good in your hard?

The quality of our time is just as important as the quantity.

When I ache to be with my little girl during the day, I am that much more present, energetic, and intentional with her when I get home. The quality of the time we spend together is richer and more meaningful.

Cheers to you, working mom guilt. It was a pleasure learning from you.