Suffering from Working Mom Guilt

It was a Monday morning.

My 18 month old daughter cried extra hard when I said goodbye to her as she left with my husband for daycare. Feelings of guilt started rushing in as I watched them leave the driveway.

Not long after, I saw a group text with some of my stay-at-home mom friends, initiating a get together at the zoo with their little ones. Laura’s daycare teacher had just informed me she had been fussy for much of the morning. Ugh.

And there I was, at my computer, sending emails I really didn’t care too much about, and scoring developmental assessments of babies (I currently work in a developmental research lab, and most of my job involves visiting babies and young children in their homes to assess their development… overall, a good job, but not always fun when I’m missing my little girl).

I feel the mom guilt starting to peep it’s head. It starts with the little voice and I have this a way of feeding it into a monster of a thing.

Working mom guilt whispers to me that I’m missing out on memories I could be making with her, right now.

Working mom guilt tells me I’m not giving her what she really needs: me!

Working mom guilt tells me I’m bad for letting someone else watch my child. That I’m doing the wrong thing by sitting here and doing what feels like “meaningless” work.

Mom guilt tells me I’m failing as a mom… Oh, the monster gets bigger and bigger with each new thought.

My heart aches. I feel tears welling up in my eyes. Then the downpour…

I pray: “Father, please hold my little girl today. Hold her heart, surround her with my love, and even more importantly, your big love. Let her know I’m with her, even if I’m not right there…”

I refocus back to my emails and my baby assessments. Trying not think about her or the situation.

I finished work a little early that day, picked my little girl up from daycare, and stopped by the zoo on our way home. 🙂

And then, I try something different with this “working mom guilt.”

Listening to Working Mom Guilt

Instead of trying to push the mom guilt away or reason with it (doesn’t work, by the way) I decide to listen to it. I decide to pay attention to what’s actually trying to tell me.

Here’s what I realized:

Working mom guilt reminds me I’m totally normal.

Regardless of whether we work or not, all of us moms have some kind of “mom guilt” in our motherhood journey if we’re honest enough. There will always be feelings of “not-enoughness.”

Working mom guilt connects me to the larger story all moms share. The “guilt” that comes with not being able to meet every single need. We’re all stretched in so many ways, whether we work outside the home or not.

Here’s the best part: We don’t have to meet every single need, nor should we try to.

I can be a “good enough” parent and let go of all the striving. When I accept this finate version of myself, I have more freedom, peace, and ease, and my parenting is that much better. I’m more present and engaged, and not stuck in my head about what I’m not doing.

It’s not my role to get everything “perfect” within motherhood, but to let go of this false sense of control and lean into the One who holds us all.

Working mom guilt reminds me that the grass is always “greener” on the other side.

It’s true. When I was working fewer hours, I would envy my husband leaving for work in the mornings some days. I craved a break, a time to focus my thoughts on something other than changing diapers and feedings. I loved being home with my daughter, but I also felt a pull to work. There were some days when I missed working and wanted more of it. Both of these things were true.

If I wasn’t working outside the home and staying home full time, I imagine I would feel guilty about that.

No matter what I choose to do with work, the other option will always be more appealing some days. Isn’t that how it is with so many other things in life?

Working mom guilt validates that this is hard.

Working and being a mom is hard at times. And these feelings need to be validated. Maybe, like that Monday, I needed good cry.

It’s ok to be sad. It’s ok to miss your baby. It’s ok to cry about it too.

But, let me tell you, friend, hard doesn’t mean wrong. Sometimes, the best things are the hardest things.

If you have decided that working outside of the home in some capacity is best for your family, given the stage you are in, then what you have decided is good.

Don’t be afraid of the hard, but focus on the good in the hard, and focus on that.

What is the good?

For me, working for my family and providing for their needs in a financial way is good.

Bearing some of the weight so my husband isn’t working night and day and never has any time for his family is good.

Channeling the gifts and talents the Lord has given me, in work that benefits my community and his kingdom is good.

Putting Laura in a place with new toys, tasty food, new friends, and kind teachers is good.

Where is the good in your hard?

Working mom guilt helps me stay present.

When I ache to be with my little girl during the day, I am that much more present, energetic, and intentional with her when I get home. The quality of the time we spend together is rich and meaningful.

Working mom guilt encourages me to set boundaries.

It reminds me that my life is already very full, and that extra responsibility or volunteer project may not be what I need now. Not that the guilt itself should dictate my choices or my day, but it guides how much I allow on my plate. This is also good.

When I’m home with my daughter, I want to be as present as possible, not hustling trying to get the next thing done or achieved. Working mom guilt tells me its not the right time to take on any additional responsibilities that are not required of me.

It reminds me that this time I have with my daughter at this age is a precious thing, and I only want so much on my plate right now, with work being one of them.

Thank you, working mom guilt.

It is a pleasure learning from you.