The Intergenerational Transmission of Compassion

Over the last few years in my work with infants, young children, and their caregivers, I have been learning more and more about the impact of transgenerational influence. While transgenerational trauma is often talked about in infant and maternal health circles, I believe it is equally important to focus on the legacy of positive caregiving experiences and the intergenerational transmission of compassion.

Intergenerational Influence

Intergenerational influence refers to the impact that previous generations have on our beliefs, values, and behaviors. It involves the transmission of cultural, social, and psychological traits from one generation to another, which can affect our attitudes, behaviors, relationships and perspectives as we navigate life.

In other words, our ancestors’ past may impact us more than we may think or give credit to. This isn’t to say we’re stuck in these patterns, but that some of our tendencies, preferences, communication styles, and other traits may have been passed down from our parents and grandparents.

Our Early Relationships Follow Us

Beginning at birth with the mother-child bond, relationships start to shape us in ways that will last a lifetime. When our caregivers are emotionally available and responsive to us as babies and young children, the foundation for a secure attachment is set. Securely attached babies are better able to regulate their emotions, establish close and healthy relationships, trust others, and manage conflict as adults. For other children whose caregivers were not as emotionally present or attentive, insecure attachment patterns may follow. These attachment patterns may contribute to emotional dysregulation and interpersonal challenges into adulthood, while potentially impacting the adult’s parent-child relationship. Thus, the cycle of suboptimal attachment patterns or transgenerational trauma may continue.

Ghosts in the Nursery

Fraiberg and colleagues (1975) introduced “ghosts in the nursery” to describe how a parents’ early, negative, and often times traumatic experiences of being parented affect their own parenting style. If the cycle continues, the same unhealthy patterns, communication styles, abuse and/or neglect may continue to “haunt” future generations. Fraiberg and colleagues write:

“In every nursery there are ghosts. They are the visitors from the unremembered past of the parents; the uninvited guests at the christening. Under all favorable circumstances the unfriendly and unbidden spirits are banished from the nursery and return to their subterranean dwelling place. The baby makes his own imperative claim upon parental love and, in strict analogy with fairy tales, the bonds of love protect the child and his parents against the intruders, the malevolent ghosts” .

Fraiberg et al., 1975

As parents, we all have our ghosts. And we need to name them to tame them. We need to call them out, process the messages they bring, and talk to our children about them when they are old enough. Naming our “ghosts” empowers us to tell the truth about our story, process the hurt, and see patterns more clearly, so we can choose differently with our children.

With a whole lot of courage and a really good therapist, we can learn to face our ghosts without being afraid.

Now, in this work of passing on good things to our children, we not only call out our ghosts, but we also call upon our angels.

Angels in the Nursery

As a follow-up to Fraiberg’s “ghosts,” Lieberman and colleagues (2005) identified “angels in the nursery” to represent those care-receiving experiences and memories where a child feels understood, accepted, and loved. In contrast to the “ghosts,” these are the positive influences in a child’s life, which support healthy attachment and help shield the child from malevolent influences. These “angels” may represent not only family members, but family friends, day care workers, teachers, or other compassionate caregivers in a child’s life.

Who are your angels?

While naming our “ghosts” helps us process generational pain, uncovering own angels tells the other side of the story, serving as a powerful force for growth and change. When we reflect on our own “angels” – or the people in our early childhood who made us feel seen, safe, secure, and soothed – this reinforces a sense of security and self-worth we can draw upon as we parent our own children.

Lieberman and colleagues describe this in the following example:

“When my son was born, I immediately took to singing to him. One day, as I was rocking him to sleep and trying to remember the lyrics to favorite songs from my childhood, I found myself singing the ‘I found a peanut’ song while I cuddled him, gently rubbing his back and smelling his sweet scent. Instantly, I remembered sitting in my mother’s lap in the rocking chair in our small den as a young child, hearing my mother sing the lyrics to this song as I snuggled against her, feeling tired but comforted and soothed in my sickness at the time. I then remembered several gentle, loving moments with her comforting me when I was sick, holding me, loving me.”

As I write this post, my husband and I have been going back and forth into my 11 month old daughter’s room to help soothe her so she can go to sleep. She started daycare recently, and there have been so many new changes and transitions, and going to sleep and staying asleep is a little harder these days.

As I rub my daughter’s back and sing to her as she lays in her crib, memories come up for me about my childhood experiences. I remember…

My grandmother rubbing my back as I went to sleep the night my dog, Jasmine, got hit by a car.

My mother rubbing my back in church services, which made me feel so warm and safe.

My father hugging me and encouraging me to take deep breaths when I couldn’t figure out a math problem for homework and worked myself up into an emotional, hyperventilating wreck.

Now, as I draw upon this kind of care and love, I get to mimic this same soothing presence to my daughter.

Here’s the best part: passing on good things to our children isn’t complicated (hang on, yes, parenting is very complicated, but we don’t have to have all the answers in order to do good for our kids).

It’s all in the simple things: every hug, kiss on the cheek, warm embrace, it all matters. Every time we ask about our child’s day at school, set our phones down and offer presence, notice our children’s emotions and ask questions, all of this matterns. It not only matterns, but these positive influences have a significant impact on our child’s development.

Sure, we will make mistakes and fail our children in every possible way. There’s no getting around this (and thank goodness for God’s grace). Yet, our acts of compassion carry a heavy influence too. It’s not always in what we don’t do well, but what we actually do with our love and care that matters greatly. Not only to our children and their future, but for future generations to come.

Drawing from our own “angels” or those benevolent caregiving experiences from our childhood fosters a sense of being known, seen, and loved, enhancing our ability to stay emotionally present and attuned to our children.

As this cycle continues, these positive caregiving experiences can be passed down from generation to generation, buffering the effects of hardship and relational ruptures, while promoting intergenerational transmission of compassion and resilience.