The Beautiful Messiness of Living in Community

For much of my life I lived in places of isolation. Swept up in the currents of individualism, I kept to myself and didn’t let too many people in, at least not too deep. Letting people in – really in – is scary stuff, and there are endless risks of rejection, hurt, confusion, and let-downs when you let your walls down and let yourself be truly seen.

But, as I’ve learned, living with your walls up is also a shallow way to live.

In keeping to myself, I felt “safe,” but I also missed out on the richness of what deep friendships offer. Our happiness and joy in this life is not based on how successful we are in our careers, or how much money we make. Research reveals that the most consistent predictor of happy, fulfilling lives is the quality of our relationships.

We were created to live in community. Even our brain chemistry reflects this, and it’s echoed even deeper in the relational characteristics of our Creator, our Heavenly Father. As a relational being Himself, He created us to live in intimate relationship with Him and in fellowship with one another through His church.

Over the last few years, I’ve been learning more and more of what it takes to live in deep, authentic community. And I’ll say, that after keeping to myself for so long, this is hard work. Even though we were made for this work, it’s still hard. Our deeply individualistic Western culture also doesn’t help. Top that off with introverted, people-pleasing and perfectionistic tendencies, and you’ve got yourself a good challenge. Trust me, I know 🙂

In addition, relationships don’t come with manuals or codes to follow. They are unpredictable, confusing, and messy at times. There’s no way to do this work “perfectly,” and we’re bound to get hurt or hurt others at some point through the process. Relationships are made of people, and people are broken and mess up. There’s no way around this. But that’s ok… Just because something feels awkward and messy doesn’t mean you’re doing it wrong. In many ways, it’s only in moving through and embracing the messy parts of life that build our relational foundations. When we do mess up, and apologize, the process of relational repair is what can actually bring us closer.

I love what Jennie Allen articulates in her book, Find Your People. It’s a book about building lasting relationships and living relationally in a lonely world. I’m thankful for her vulnerability, insightful observations about our isolated culture, and practical tips for how to fight back. When highlighting the work it takes to build community in an isolated world, she writes:

“We’ve replaced intrusive, real conversations with small talk, and we’ve substituted soul-baring, deep, connected living with texts and a night out together every once in a while, because the superficial stuff seems more manageable and less risky. But let’s face it: whether we live lonely or deeply connected, life is messy. The magic of the best of relationships is the mess, the sitting-together-on-the-floors-of-bathrooms, hugging-and-sobbing mess.”

Jennie Allen, Find Your People: Building Deep Community in a Lonely World

Living in community doesn’t require you to be perfect. It means messing up, saying the wrong thing, and apologizing. It means speaking up, owning your voice, and expressing your feelings and needs, even if you offend or inconvenience someone. It takes messing up, being awkward, and a willingness to have “introverted” time interrupted sometimes. It means peeling back the layers of your sheltered soul, and allowing yourself to be seen, just as you are. This requires bravery, vulnerability, patience, and grace. A lot of it.

Trust me, I know, and I’m still learning.

Building community can feel like hard work. But it’s worth fighting for. Don’t let the messy parts scare you away. Often, it’s only through the mess that can we experience the growth and beauty living in community offers.